AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIFE...YOU WERE TOLD...KEEP YOUR HANDS 2 YOURSELF!!!!
Domestic violence/abuse can happen to anyone, at any given time. Ask yourself how often is it overlooked, or the person makes up an excuse like I tripped over the child/children's toy(s), or if I wouldn't have done this, that person would not have abused me. Then you just have good ol'e DENIAL.
This is ALL TRUE rather it's psychological, and/or physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, but it can be the most detrimental, since they leave deep harsh lasting scars upon your heart. It feels like the pain will NEVER go away. Unfortunately, believe it or not some who have been emotionally abused sometimes say they would rather experience the physical form of abuse or they create self-inflictions upon themselves, to hide or mask the inside hurt/pain.
One important bit of information we all have to remember is, we can't make anyone leave. Why, well, because often times they just go right back!! People stay for many reasons unknown to us, because we're not the ones going through. One of my most used motto's is; when they get sick 'n' tired of being sick 'n' tired then that's when they will see that light ahead.
All we can do is be there for support and guidance until we have given and/or supported all we have too offer. However, a person can only be there enduring so much of what a person may be dealing with. Some may think that's not so, and a person is supposed to be there every second, all the time until they come around to see that light so to speak. No, not so... Some who are abused will often call that good friend every second, minute, hour, day, week or even once a month. That person has a life as well, rather its work, children, school, meetings, etc and abuse happens at any given time and/or day. The support line may not always be there to answer or drop what they're doing to tend to that abused person need(s).
This is when you have to give even more options for that person to seek help or offer a variety of a support system other then yourself, but you have to be careful with that. That person may not enjoy everyone knowing, being that it is an embarrassing situation. At some point, you may have to sometimes resort to good ol'e tough love, rather they or you like it or not...
A person who's abused tends to hear what they want to hear or interprets your views in wrong ways leaving you puzzled as all get out. It's frustrating to say the least and may even hurt, but some say you just have to sit back and watch the show for free from a distance and pray, pray, pray and pray some more. Others will say get involved and they may hate you now, but will appreciate it in the end.
Definitely, seek your own support system or prayer circle for the sake of your friend or family member, as well as yourself, because honestly.... what they're going through...guess what?? You're going through apart of that with them and its a looooonnnng emotional roller-coaster ride until you decide to get off, get on later, or stay off for good. Remember, some ride longer then others and some ride until they can, but the “choice is yours”. If you ride for awhile, doesn't mean that you love the person less then someone who may ride with them until the wheels fall off.
Whatever, choice(s) the abused person makes or you make in supporting them...we all just hope and/or pray for the BEST in the end/long run....especially if a child/children are involved...
Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.
Here are some Do and Don't advice below:
Do:
- Ask if something is wrong.
- Express concern.
- Listen and validate.
- Offer help.
- Support his or her decisions, but sometimes you may have to go over their head.
Don’t:
- Wait for him or her to come to you!!
- Judge or blame!!
- Pressure him or her, but remember you may have to go over their head!!
- Give advice or until they ask and offer solutions!!
- Place conditions on your support and dont back down after you have given them!!
Here are some signs below, that you may want to ask yourself rather being the abused, the person trying to help the abused, or even the abuser trying to find out if they have an abusive problem:
Do you:
- FEEL ANXIOUS OR AFRAID OF YOUR PARTNER MUCH OF THE TIME?
- AVOID CERTAIN TOPICS OUT OF FEAR OF ANGERING YOUR PARTNER?
- FEEL THAT YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT?
- BELIEVE THAT YOU DESERVE TO BE HURT OR MISTREATED?
- WONDER IF YOU’RE THE ONE WHO IS CRAZY?
- FEEL EMOTIONALLY NUMB OR HELPLESS?
- GO ALONG WITH EVERYTHING YOUR PARTNER SAYS AND DOES?
- CHECK IN OFTEN WITH YOUR WHEREABOUTS?
- RECEIVE FREQUENT, HARASSING PHONE CALLS FROM YOUR PARTNER ABOUT YOUR WHEREABOUTS OR WHO YOU ARE WITH?
- HAVE FREQUENT INJURIES, WITH THE EXCUSE OF “ACCIDENTS?”
- FEEL RESTRICTED FROM SEEING FAMILY AND FRIENDS?
- RARELY GO OUT IN PUBLIC WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR PARTNER?
- HAVE LIMITED ACCESS TO MONEY, CREDIT CARDS, OR THE CAR?
- HAVE VERY LOW SELF-ESTEEM?
- SHOW MAJOR PERSONALITY CHANGES THAT OTHERS HAVE POINTED OUR TO YOU, IF YOU CANT SEE THEM YOURSELF?
- FEEL DEPRESSED, ANXIOUS, OR SUICIDAL?
- LASH OUT ON THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU THE MOST?
- LIE TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY ABOUT YOUR ABUSE?
Does Your partner:
- HUMILIATE YOU OR YELL AT YOU?
- CRITICIZE YOU AND PUT YOU DOWN?
- TREAT YOU SO BADLY THAT YOU’RE EMBARRASSED FOR YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY TO SEE?
- IGNORE OR PUT YOU DOWN, YOUR OPINIONS OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS?
- BLAME YOU FOR HIS OWN ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR OR BEING ARRESTED/JAILED OVER AND OVER AGAIN?
- SEE YOU AS PROPERTY OR A SEX OBJECT, RATHER THAN AS A PERSON?
- HAVE A BAD AND UNPREDICTABLE TEMPER?
- HURT YOU, OR THREATEN TO HURT OR KILL YOU?
- THREATEN TO TAKE YOUR CHILDREN AWAY OR HARM THEM?
- THREATEN TO COMMIT SUICIDE IF YOU LEAVE?
- FORCE YOU TO HAVE SEX, BLAME YOU, YELL AT YOU OR GET MAD IF YOU DONT HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
- DESTROY YOUR BELONGINGS OR BELONGINGS IN THE HOME, BUT NEVER THEIR BELONGINGS?
- ACT EXCESSIVELY JEALOUS AND POSSESSIVE?
- CONTROL WHERE YOU GO OR WHAT YOU DO?
- KEEP YOU FROM SEEING YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY, RATHER ITS STAYING HOME, VISITING THEIR HOME TO GOING OUT ON THE TOWN?
- LIMIT YOUR ACCESS TO MONEY, THE PHONE, OR THE CAR?
- CONSTANTLY CHECK UP ON YOU?
- HAVE OTHER RELATIONSHIPS YOU KNOW ABOUT?
- SPEND TIME AWAY FROM YOU AND/OR THE KIDS?
- SMOKE OR DRINKS ON A REGULAR?
- HAVE LACK OF RESPECT FOR YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS?
- SPEND LONG HOURS AWAY FROM HOME?
I saw this posted on a link, just when I was just about to close this out....
“If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, SPEAK UP!!!!!!! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even SAVE his or her life.”
*****IF YOU SUPPORT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIMS, PLEASE LIST ANY RESOURCES IN MANY DIFFERENT AREAS AS POSSIBLE ON THE FB GROUP PAGE OR THE BLOG....YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S LIFE YOU MAY BE SAVING....PLEASE ALSO SUPPORT THE CAUSE BY SHARING THIS LINK TO YOUR PAGE....THANK YOU*****
My mom was abused by my dad when we where little kids - they soon divorced. Thank God!!!
ReplyDeleteI knew some girl on one of my jobs who was abuse by her boyfriend - we would talk and I would try to give her the best advice I thought would help. However, she had such lowself-esteem that she would rather be with an abuser than be by herself. I was like what a shame your the one paying all the bills, he's just freeloading off you from what you tell me, and his sister hated her and wanted to fight her all the time. I was like girl you have kids they are going to grow up and think it's ok to abuse and the get abuse by your example that you are teaching them with your non-action of staying with an abuser. She was like i never thought about it like that. But, my question to her was, are you going to do something about it and not just talk? Actions speak louder than words.
Checking in:
ReplyDeleteIt is very harmful and debilitating to the abused!! Like someone already said:"When they get sick & tired of being Sick N' Tired" something gotta give!..Hopefully it's not one's Life that ends up given!
I can offer this one bit of solace, Jehovah God is there waiting on you to ask for help to save your Life!..Try that continually ans Watch the Blessing begin to manifest themselves*
From the male POV, I think most guys at one time, usually when we're young and don't know any better, try to "save" a woman in a bad situation only to watch her go right back as you have noted above. (in all fairness lets not forget that men are victims too)
ReplyDeleteI also feel that for those who do get out, they need to seek help as soon as possible. This isn't something you can deal with on your own. Otherwise the cycle will either repeat itself or you'll scare off future love interests with behavior that they will not understand.
Growing up my parents fought like they were just taking out the trash but it tormented me and to this day I can't stand to see people argue or fight. Physical abuse hurts everyone in the family. Just walk away before things get out of hand. Unfortunately, some people stay in these relationships because they believe that they deserve that sort of treatment, but no they deserve much better. Run don't walk!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAhhh! I cannot even begin to say how furious this makes me!!!! Nobody has the right to hit anybody, especially when it is their loved-one or relative!!!
ReplyDeleteCalming down now... Phew.... If your lover hit you or your child constantly don't hesita...te- break it off. One slap is not a reason for breaking it off right away, the person might come around and apologize- but if it becomes more times, if it becomes some sort of a habit- don't victimize yourself, get out of it! And until you get out, protect yourself and (if you have any) your children.
I once heard noises of screaming and hitting and everybody was worried and I was convinced I imagined all of it... I started taking pills for delusions..... Then, two months later, apparently the neighbors were fighting and the husband was abusive. Now he is far gone, and only comes to visit rarely- and I am still on the pills because the psychiatrist says I can't stop it all at once and my father doesn't act on starting to decrease it... This sucks >< (Sorry about my language :P)
This is a difficult question to answer, more so than most because like abuse it’s self it has deep feeling and strong emotional opinions about it. There is no simple easy answer, we use words like zero tolerance or never again and that very mentality too breeds yet another form of abuse, absolute’s that is it’s self just is another way of saying they stop being a human being too! So we can treat you the same we felt we have been treated with cold uncaring and ruthless lack of remorse for or own actions. The logic that lets that happen may be no different than those who we feel the abuse we felt abused us to begin with it, that other person, thought right to do what they felt they needed to be whole, we in turn use the justification of going second or last to say deserve to have what we want/need! A fighting truth is we human are extremist too often, from villain to victim we use what we learn and know too easy, even when that is defined as abuse.
ReplyDeleteThe cause of awareness can be too easily self serving propaganda too, hate monging at it’s worst a tool too many use for enabling, stereotypes when combined with slogans like Zero Tolerance frighten me and sing out other great slogans like Master Race and Manifest Destine that allowed so many to self justify any cruelty as well for self serving denial. The saddest truth is the only way to defeat abuse or DV, is not to fight fire with fire and scream punishment, abandonment and self preservation at any cost but the very act most all refuse due to the risk, to return mistrust and abuse with love and forgiveness and tolerance to break the cycle. The label abuse now deserved or not has become another extreme cause, most everyone I have ever known has a story of abuse, from a family member, lover, brother, sister, mother, father or even son and daughter. Families are where the line is pushed and blurred more than any other because we all take those we trust most to be there tomorrow the most for granted and help us carry our burdens we hide from too many others. I have heard the battered house wife rational many times used to describe everyone from my mothers marriage to my own about myself, and as many symptoms fit that diagnoses, that diagnoses only serves to validate it’s self and omits that the definition of love is to see the best in one another over the worst possibilities.
Will we compromise what is best in being human to protect our self form the abuse of when we fail and fall in the worst, will we foster a dogma that treats those broken and fail to an epitaph of absolutes that drives out all else? Will we trade the highs of love to avoid the lows of fear and mistrust and say passionate feelings are too expensive to allow. We are overcompensating and creating a crusade with Domestic violence and abuse these days I have seen it take hold and too many embrace yet another absolute that will create far more victims to save a few and ore to be abused even more by those abused to lash out in turn and run and hide from shared blame and needed change beyond their wants as well. I beg all please do not treat the words Abuse or Domestic Violence like Rape or fire in a theatre and jump out of fear of self experience to a side but be critical in your thinking and look to understand context of how and most of all why. That the cure does not become a greater sin than the disease. That we do not trade trust and hope or faith for self preservation at any cost!